Birmingham Hilton Hosts an Expensive Wake for PFDJ

Birmingham Hilton Hosts an Expensive Wake for PFDJ

….Ambassador wedigerahtu had a tall order in his hands this year! To fill a large hotel complex with 600 young energetic, resourceful and committed young pfdjites and to do all this without the rest of us finding out where this pfdj dream world is going to be!   That is how he ended up spending a whole year fending off a growing crowd of rough young men who just wouldn’t stop yelling at him shouting their annoying slogans everywhere he went… in Leeds they point blank refused him a word in edgeways… in Manchester they had him confined to a room for hours on end … In Birmingham he had to use fire exits for his grand entry and exit… in London they wouldn’t even let him out of his car and in West London he was reduced to gathering his faithful in a poxy café where the activists there had declared a ‘pfdj no go zone’, with lines only visible to those who dared to cross them! The UK has never been a more treacherous spot for a goon…

By the time the ‘puny pfdj convention got going the guy was a total mess! and I couldn’t help feeling something for the poor sod (getting soft in old age no doubt!) when I saw him wrapped in his scarf amidst the orange cloud (of tellytubbies)  the other day. So I decided to pull together a short survival guide for him…

Dear Ambassador… no you haven’t imagined this… yes reality is looking more and more like your nightmares and yes it is going to get worse in the short to medium term and then it will get catastrophic… so as I am feeling a bit  charitable today here is a short survival guide to help you…

1. Get rid of the Embassy Media folk: they are embarrassing… or at least get them transferred to the kids corner at the annual festival…which by the age range of the kids you gathered at the ypfdj ‘congress’ is a department that seems to be experiencing the biggest growth in the pfdj world…  at the kid’s corner your Embassy Media may learn how to draw better cartoons, how to string a few words of factual reporting and how to use less superlatives when spinning your dwarf achievements. And once they graduate from the kid’s corner maybe you can send them on a course on how to talk to adults… that are not pfdj supporters and then gradually, maybe… just maybe they can also begin to produce things that the FCO and other diplomatic missions can read without the rest of us cringing with embarrassment…
2. Get better security people in that building or leave it open access… but whatever you do don’t instruct people to lock it from inside once you allow people in…oh and when you hire a security person to stand outside, it would look infinitely better on you, if you ask them to put on some uniform and act more like professionals and less like goons! More demonstrations are in the pipeline and again please teach your goons to say a few formal words as opposed to a torrent of abrasive abuse that would actually end up making us the protestors look like refined states men and women even when we are trying to look like rough and ready revolutionaries (please sir, you are cramping our style by being rougher than us!)… send your security people on a trip to the shopping centre round the corner to learn the art of commanding authority without sounding like a corporal on a bad day… tell them to show authority not rant obscenities at others to appear macho… it is vulgar and avoidable embarrassment to yourself and the operation that you are running from inside that building.
3. While we are on security matters can I suggest that you tell the kids that come out to take pictures of us protesting outside, to be kind and share their pictures with us…. after all we post all our pictures of you guys and those of ourselves freely on the net… and I think it is only fair that they too share the pictures… especially the ones you take from the top floor window as that would be a panoramic view that would be an exclusive! You see Mr Ambassador, we are not scared of you and your goons anymore and we don’t mind you taking pictures of us at all, but when you take them from a ‘hidden’ location and don’t then relate what you intend to do with them, you make it easy for us to make headlines about being spied on from the embassy building… again you end up making us look even better than when you send out your barking mad ‘security personnels’
4. In fact, whilst everyone is out on a course why don’t you go and observe some of your counterparts and learn some art of  ‘ambassadorship’… no don’t go observing your pfdj counterparts but others from the rest of the world…observe how much of their time is spent dancing with refugees … how much they spend of security of private meetings to speak to a handful of their faithful etc...

But before I go, I must give you the utmost credit for tripping the Monkey up like that last weekend! You see me and my colleagues wasted so much time trying to highlight awareness of the ypfdj meeting… how the Monkey will be coming to our part of the world to radicalise Eritrean youth and drum up moral and financial support for the dying regime… boy were we wrong!... we should have trusted you to be our secret weapon… we should have trusted the corollary… with each passing year pfdj lost the EPLF crème de la crème  and ended up with bottom of the barrel stuff and so nine years ago YG started his brand of PFDJ (even called it YGPFDJ… although the G was later dropped to keep Nisu appeased) and over the ensuing 9 years YPFDJ accomplished what took PFDJ proper 30 years to accomplish… drive everyone away and be left stage managing a smoke and mirror show with no smoke and a broken mirror!

Let me finish by thanking you for delivering the Monkey a play right out of the scenes of ‘High School Musical’ and ensuring that he simply got lost in translation… he wanted a hotel full of young people to take the mantle from you and your compatriots and you completely tripped him up and delivered him an orange tower of Babel, where the poor kids probably needed Google translators to work out what the heck they were being told to do! All the other ‘ambassadors’ must have thanked you for saving their jobs for them too... the Monkey is lumbered with you guys as ambassadors, where he was looking for an inaugural ceremony to crown him for saving pfdj you actually gave him the most expensive wake Eritrea has ever seen.  

In case the Monkey or anyone else was wondering where Eritrea’s young, energetic and committed people were just tell him they were out in the freezing cold having gathered from all corners of the UK, overnight and they were telling him what they really thought of you, him and your master back in Asmara! Nine years ago you probably shrugged their suffering as a collateral damage… but last weekend they were an answer to your orange corollary… pfdj has bankrupted itself and all it can attract these days is the uninitiated kids and hopeless proponents of the regime…

I hope you enjoyed pfdj’s wake… I did!  Please pass my condolences to the goons!

selam

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