BREAKING THE “VICIOUS CYCLE” OF RESENTMENT

BREAKING THE “VICIOUS CYCLE” OF RESENTMENT

By Haben Zeray

Once upon a time there were two brothers and had an extreme argument over two small plots of farming land and could not agree on plot #1.  Both wanted it.  They argued bitterly and before they broke into a fight the neighbors came and separated them.  From that point on both of these brothers decided not even  to talk with each other.  Not only that, their families were forbidden to interact with each other. If the two brothers cross paths in the market they would not even say hello to each other.  At one time one of the brothers was going to the market and his younger opponent  brother was coming back from the market to go to his village and saw each other on the road.  The younger brother decided just to ignore his brother and decided to sing by making a whistling sound.  The older brother who heard his brother whistling was infuriated and decided to shout at his younger brother and told him, “you are whistling because you want to make me mad”.  His brother disagreed and shouted at him “No I am not”.   They separated after they cussed at each other. The moral of this story is, if resentment or disagreement is not settled  subsequent innocent actions could be misunderstood by your opponent.  In other words, resentment piles up to become a mountain.  And the danger is you can live in this vicious cycle of resentment and hatred robbing yourself from opportunities that life can offer.

I once heard a wise man say, “Bitterness is a poison pill you take-in and expect the other guy (enemy) to die from it”.   Well, if you take the pill you will die from it, guaranteed!  Bitterness is like the root of a tree buried inside, and manifests itself by the words you utter, the actions you take, the stress you feel or the opportunities you miss .

Bitterness can be very destructive to individuals, communities and countries.  For example, Eritreans have reasons to be bitter.  We have been betrayed for many generations, namely by Italians, British, Ethiopians (Haile Seleassie), Menghistu Haile Mariam, and now by PFDJ led by President Issayas Afwerke.   For generations we have been betrayed, and this betrayal have created bitterness, and unless we deal with betrayal and resentment, we may end up self-destructing both as individuals and as a nation.  As stated above, bitterness is a poison pill you take expecting the enemy to die from it, however, whomever takes the pill dies, not the enemy.  For the sake of the Eritrean people we must devise a plan to break this destructive vicious cycle of resentment that is getting worse every day.

In the past 12 years the Issayas government has been stuck in the vicious cycle of  resentment against Ethiopia. and is having debilitating effect on  the Eritrean people.  The PFDJ repeated statements have been, not to have any negotiation with Ethiopia on the issue of Badime, and has put the nation in a military alert for over 12 years. If you live in Eritrea or Diaspora and bring the subject of “Reconciliation” with Ethiopia , you get labeled as “traitor” by the supporters, and you have a high probability to go to jail (if you live in Eritrea).  By the way, I have heard many of the arguments against making peace with Ethiopia.  The pre-requisites and conditions of abiding by the “Badime” ruling has been repeated by PFDJ and its supporters.    Eritreans have sacrificed a lot.  But I want to ask those who refuse to budge, what do we do next?  What options do we have?  Should we continue to suffer and continue this road of stalemate? The consequences of refusal to talk, I believe have hurt us more than Ethiopia.  Here are some of the reasons why I think we are hurting more:

1. Port of Assab could have been a source of hundreds of millions  of dollars per year, instead we are suffering from  unemployment and poverty, while our neighbor Djibouti is reaping the benefit of our “bitterness”. Why should we suffer?
2. The people of Eritrea are separated from the people of Ethiopia in all aspects.  PFJD and EPRDF have let their political differences to create walls among the people.  Thousands of Eritreans who have families are separated and are not able to enjoy family life.  Some have likened Eritrea and Ethiopia to N. Korea and S. Korea respectively.  Eritreans can’t even make telephone contacts to their children who reside in Ethiopia. Why shouldn’t the civilian Eritreans be able to have contact with their own families who are mostly one-hour flight away from them?
3. In underdeveloped countries like Eritrea HUMAN RESOURCE  is the main asset and its people are the future hope for development.  PFDJ or the government of Eritrea does not seem to care when thousands of capable and many educated Eritreans are leaving the country.  Most are now making their ways to Ethiopia. Why shouldn’t  Eritrea be a welcome home for its own citizens?
4. PFDJ have used the walls that got created in the late 1990’s  to become an excuse to put Eritrean youth and even the elderly on military alert; while the Ethiopian government is having a field day welcoming the able-bodied and military fit Eritreans to their country.  The result is going to make Ethiopia stronger while Eritrea weaker.  Of course the GOE leadership will not agree with this assessment.  They may not realize it but President Issayas and his followers are laughing themselves to death.  The policies of  PFDJ work against the interests of  Eritreans and are going to be suicidal for the leadership. Does PFDJ care about its own citizens leaving the country? Why don’t they create an inviting environment for Eritrean citizens to stay in their own country?
5. For an Eritrean merchant it is natural and easy to trade with Ethiopians.  Most Eritreans know the country, they can relate with the citizens and have a commanding understanding of Ethiopian culture and marketing strategy.  Eritreans should make peace with Ethiopia and open the door for trade with Ethiopia.  What is wrong with giving Ethiopians tourist visas to visit Eritrea and vice versa?

Resentment is destructive and costly.  We must break this vicious cycle whether the Eritrean leadership works on it or not.  Even though the government of Eritrea have opted not to start the road to dialogue, the people, especially those in Diaspora are subtly co-mingling with the people.  There are more Eritreans visiting Ethiopia in 2012 than any other year in the last 12 years.  For many Eritreans, Ethiopia has become the vacation destination.  Thousands of Eritreans have made Ethiopia their temporary home now by crossing the border.

I believe Eritreans are tired of wars, rumors of wars and they are also tired of being ruled by military dictatorship that cares more for the dead than the living.  Eritreans are starving for peace.  They want peace in their homes, they want normal family life where teen-agers are not separated from their homes prematurely.  Eritreans do not want to be alienated from the rest of the world and especially from their neighbor countries and want peace so that they can trade and travel freely.  

Related to the dispute with our neighbor Ethiopia, the “the mediator’s” final and binding resolution should be used only as a start for the leaders of Eritrea  to further  forge peace, not as an end.  It was an end for the mediators but a start for the leaders of the two countries.    It is up to Eritrea and Ethiopia to make the “demarcation resolution” work so that the people who live in those lands are accommodated as well.  It is not only a land issue, it is also residential issue. Furthermore, the mediators had also given Eritrean land in the Tserona environs to Ethiopia.  What do we do with the people who lived in the Tserona environs as Eritreans? Are we to declare them Ethiopians?  The point I am trying to make is the need for dialogue with Ethiopia is a must in order to complete the process for peace. PFDJ and its chairman have the responsibility to work out ways to implement by further negotiating with Ethiopia, for the best interest of Eritreans.  When you resolve a conflict it is never “my way or the highway” resolution.  It has always been, how can I get what I want by giving what they want.     All Conflict Resolution Models (CRM) suggest that, in order to resolve a conflict, you must have a concern for self, and at the same time you must have a concern for others.  If you don’t have a concern for self then you are passive and your dignity and self-esteem is questionable. On the other hand if you are only interested on what you want and forget your opponent then you are not balanced and you are aggressive and selfish.  In our case, PFDJ is not even willing to sit and discuss.  In my opinion this stand-off is the “ poison pill” that is killing us.

Cooperation Conflict style

According to the literature on conflict resolution, a cooperative conflict resolution style is recommended above all others (Sternberg & Dobson, 1987; Jarboe & Witteman, 1996). I quote:

“Characterized by an active concern for both pro-social and pro-self behavior,  cooperation conflict style is typically used when an individual has elevated interests in their own outcomes as well as in the outcomes of others. (my emphasis).  During conflict, cooperators collaborate with others in an effort to find an amicable solution that satisfies all parties involved in the conflict. Individuals with this type of conflict style tend to be highly assertive and highly empathetic at the same time.  By seeing conflict as a creative opportunity, collaborators willingly invest time and resources into finding a “win-win” solution.”

While the brave Eritrean military performed their jobs superbly, the leadership of the Eritrean government let by President Issayas Afwerke failed diplomatically to solve this crisis or even start a process for it.   The government of Eritrea must have done  something and start the process than be defiant. We must think “outside the box” and break the “vicious cycle of war and rumors of wars” and forge peace with our neighbor Ethiopia.  Eritreans will benefit from it and can be done. 

I understand time is of the essence in our quest for peace for Eritrea.  I believe the “youth” of Eritrea are the hope who can bring the dignity that all Eritreans deserve, a democratic process that the people desire, and peace and reconciliation within ourselves and with our neighbors that we desperately need. 

Concluding remarks:

We need to learn from history.  In a war situation everybody is a looser.  No one wins.  Even the super-powers with all their technological might have a hard time winning a war. All wars end after the “enemies” sit on the table and mediate for peace. 

Talking about reconciliation is a complicated subject in a country setting. On the one hand many will tell you that Ethiopia hurt us, they have wounded us beyond repair…etc.  This is the victim mentality. On the other hand  the same people will tell  you Eritreans are heroic people, and will not stop to tell you how we defeated them, humiliated them and this is the victor mentality.  The reality is Ethiopians have done their share of brutality and the same can be said about Eritreans.  In whatever angle we look at this madness, death and destruction occurred on both sides.  The options now are either we continue this road of a non-ending tantrums and bitterness, or we break this resentful vicious cycle and choose the road of healing the wounds and ultimately achieve peace.  I stand for the later and wish for peace.  We can start the process now and we don’t have to wait for the politicians to decide our destiny for peace.  Remember peace starts within each one of us.

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