A Short Guide to Potential Investors in Eritrea

…so you want to invest in Eritrea? Why that is an amazing opportunity afte rall elsewhere in Africa everyone is recognising the value of the pristine opportunities for umpteen fold returns… and what Eritrean in their right mind would miss on such a fete?

I am sure the ‘government’ is doing it’s level best so that potential ‘investors’ don’t have to buy ‘bonds’ that are worth nothing! Obtain licenses that are voided over night or deal with taxation systems with a clear route to several General’s pockets...

All information regarding this latest PFDJ venture, is being widely circulated, and yes word out there is that ‘there are plenty of opportunities’… here is a list, of a few such opportunities, that I hope someone with some money might consider… you will have to have little on no sense… but I am sure many of those choosing to ‘invest’ have no problem in that department:

There is plenty of opportunities to invest in a business making bicycle compartments for AK47s- the benevolent government of the state of Eritrea has plans to issue every adult in the country with AK47s, and expects them to carry this around. Now, since many people in Eritrea use bicycles, this technology will allow them to store their guns conveniently in a compartment that goes across the bars. Handy for use, easy for transport and more importantly in keeping with a country that is keen to promote readiness for war! These compartments could be customised for other transport modes like Karossas and even come with wheels on for those on foot. This low cost, immediate start up business opportunity is available for someone with low to medium levels of capital, extremely low level of sensibility and no conscience what so ever!

This opportunity can be complimented by the production of his and hers matching AK47s for the fashionable Asmarinos, who would never be seen dead with the standard government issue (thanks Awate.com for the inspiration). Further, there could also be a kid's version to get the little cherubs used to slinging their AK47 in preparation for a life of a cool gun slinging fashionista! 

For the more serious investor with extended assets, there is the opportunity in fumigation services for hospitals across the country. Our market analysts have been carrying out market research in hospitals in major cities and particularly in Keren.  Research indicates that hospitals are in dire need of fumigation services to rid bed bugs and the astute investor could expand this to other areas where similar opportunities may be available too (sawa, and Eritrea’s expansive prison network being the obvious branching out opportunities).

Speaking of prisons and investment opportunities there of; there is another obvious opportunity to participate in the government’s well reputed and lucrative, Prison Expansion Programme. This opportunity will inevitably be only available to ‘class A’, investors who have a demonstrable record of a total absence of conscience on top of immediate access to substantive access to hard currency. The government will screen every applicant and offer applicants who come close to fulfilling the former criteria the opportunity to have their conscience surgically removed in a specialist centre inside the grounds of the Naqfa School of Cadres (NSC). NCS has already pioneered this form of lobotomy on several YPFDJ members from all over the Eritrean diaspora. NCS is happy to announce that so far the only side effects have been excessive weight gain and hair loss in men and a shriller than average voice in women.

The Government of the State of Eritrea realises that the Prison Expansion Programme (PEP) isn’t for everyone due to the level of investment required and the nature of the investors suitable. To bridge the gap for those who are interested in investing in security, but not at the level of the PEP, there is the EMSS; the Eritrean Mobile Security System. The government has developed, a DNA technology based, modification devise that will be implanted onto athletes, government ministers and any other persons that leave the country in official capacity, to track their every move and activate an inbuilt immobilising system, when subject is considering ‘defecting’. This opportunity comes complete with an expansion opportunity to implant the devise into all Eritreans at birth, for the right applicant.

There are many, many other small scale opportunities for those who would like to make a belated link with the government and work their way up to be class A investors. These opportunities come with the added value of instantaneous return for your investment and a lot of other benefits such as: front row seats or even prime podium positions at mekete meetings, regular Eri TV interviews and a complimentary invitation to speak to the vast and burgeoning online followers of PFDJ activities. Opportunities in this category include: Information exchange Services working for facilitators of those who need to leave the country. Information supplying, services for keeping the State up-to-date on diaspora activities. And information manufacturing service for those who would like to experiment with conscience dulling.

There are plenty of other similar opportunities, please contact your nearest Eritrean Amabassador, who will refer you to your nearest community based coordinator, who will refer you to the invisible hands that collect your 2% tax.

Things have never been this exciting in Eritrosphere since Issias Afworki and Hagos Kisha sold millions of dollars worth of bonds that are maturing nicely in ‘national’ coffers!                 

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